If you're reading this and you pay close attention to my posts on Facebook, you have an idea how my day is today but just in case, I'll repeat myself: I have 3 theory-intense exams today. As I'm writing this blog, 2 of them are already done... yeah! But I have one left in 3 hours and I need to kill some time so why not blog a bit. At the same time, my smart phone is charging.
The best way I can describe my state of mind right now is: I am a zombie. I finding out the power of coffee and energy drinks today. I'm actually really happy that I picked up smoking again in the last week. The nicotine is keeping me going and bringing down my anxiety levels. The beers that I had for lunch time where soothing from my delicate nature when I came out from my first exam. I'm doing this whole day with only around 4 hours of sleep. I've been cramming studies all week-end. When I say cramming, let me give you an idea of my schedule since Saturday morning. All I've been doing is studying a few hours then taking a nap. Wake up and studying again and take a nap, again. Rince and repeat so I haven't had a full night of sleep for 3 days now.
I did start the day by taking a shower and dressing pretty so I would feel good about myself. That was at 7:30 am. At this time of the afternoon, around 3:30 pm, my energy levels are now low and I still have one exam to go at 6 pm. I should be studying and filling the last bit of space I have left in my brain but an other side of me just wants to take a spot in the library and take an hour nap. The latter is getting more interesting now that I wrote it down.
My head is numb. I don't feel the majority of my body. Never will I take again 3 classes on a same day. It is rough and I'm not looking foward for the end of the semester.
A zombie needs a brain to be functionnal but I can't help wonder if a zombie can eat their brains. Mine is so rich in knowledge and pack with stuff that I'm sure it's pretty tasty. So off I go to sleep at the library and instead of screaming: "Brainnnnsss!" I'll just be: "Zzzzzzzzzz."
Monday, February 18, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Admitting you need help...
Well, here I am... I was in denial and now, I'm admitting I need the help.
The last post entitled "Where's the motive" was kinda my bottom pit. As I'm now in this semester full time, I thought I could handle it but I can't. I have too many questions, too many doubts, too many "but" and too many "should-I-and-could-I". I'm glad I didn't take the first four weeks of my semester so seriously while retrospecting today. It permitted to be where I am... right now.
There's resources all around us and the majority of us don't think about applying to them and using them. I thought getting back in the full-time student mode would be easy but it ain't. I'm having a really hard time. Actually, I need to think about this semester as a period of adaptation. With the long break I took last year and the semester with only 1 class, I got a taste of working full time, kicking back and having some free and social time. I enjoyed having a regular schedule and established a couple of routines. For the last 4 weeks, I've been living a lot of anxiety, picked-up smoking again part-time. I say part-time because I smoke 1 day than I don't for 4 or smoke 2 and don't for 5. Also, I was drinking a lot but I slowed that down now for the last weeks.
I've been turning to my household and my friends for some support, advice and guidance. Nothing was doing the trick. Well it was but slowly. When I'm in crisis, I introspect, which awkwardly enough I did a bunch during my Self Growth class last semester. Then, I turned to my immediate networks: family, friends and acquaintances. I was moving forward but I wasn't getting to any enlightenment. I even opened up my book from my class of Psychology of Motivation from Concordia and that just confirm a lot of the arguments I had in head. It was time to go outside of my usual circles.
I met a guidance councilor today at UQAM. It helps. I'll be meeting her again in two weeks. I want to finish this degree but I just to have the patience for it anymore. Being told it's not too late in my degree to get help is a blessing.
The last post entitled "Where's the motive" was kinda my bottom pit. As I'm now in this semester full time, I thought I could handle it but I can't. I have too many questions, too many doubts, too many "but" and too many "should-I-and-could-I". I'm glad I didn't take the first four weeks of my semester so seriously while retrospecting today. It permitted to be where I am... right now.
There's resources all around us and the majority of us don't think about applying to them and using them. I thought getting back in the full-time student mode would be easy but it ain't. I'm having a really hard time. Actually, I need to think about this semester as a period of adaptation. With the long break I took last year and the semester with only 1 class, I got a taste of working full time, kicking back and having some free and social time. I enjoyed having a regular schedule and established a couple of routines. For the last 4 weeks, I've been living a lot of anxiety, picked-up smoking again part-time. I say part-time because I smoke 1 day than I don't for 4 or smoke 2 and don't for 5. Also, I was drinking a lot but I slowed that down now for the last weeks.
I've been turning to my household and my friends for some support, advice and guidance. Nothing was doing the trick. Well it was but slowly. When I'm in crisis, I introspect, which awkwardly enough I did a bunch during my Self Growth class last semester. Then, I turned to my immediate networks: family, friends and acquaintances. I was moving forward but I wasn't getting to any enlightenment. I even opened up my book from my class of Psychology of Motivation from Concordia and that just confirm a lot of the arguments I had in head. It was time to go outside of my usual circles.
I met a guidance councilor today at UQAM. It helps. I'll be meeting her again in two weeks. I want to finish this degree but I just to have the patience for it anymore. Being told it's not too late in my degree to get help is a blessing.
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