Cell phone crossroads

My week so far sucks! My modo has for the last days is: "I don't feel like it!" for getting up in the morning; going to UQÀM; doing research, reading & homework; cleaning the house; even going to sleep... Fuck it! Breathing since I'm at it. I haven't been really productive, I'm just crying a lot lately. The thought of being DEPRESSIVE crossed my mind but I get happy. Then, the idea of my happiness being MANIA episodes crossed my mind but I'm NOT bipolar (I don't think so).

TODAY, I just can't stop CRYING. You know how you hear: "It's the details that count". Well some details, some small things, can have a major impact by triggering a thinking process that finally brings a conclusion, an EPIPHANY of some sort.

I have a cell phone, by contract which I'm proud expires in November 2012. Last night, I went to the cell phone store because I had the idea of getting a multiple line account. You know those cellular account which have to phones with individual numbers, which share airtime and dataload. To get a good deal, I need to go back on a 3 year contract and I didn't want that. I didn't want it because I was SCARED. Scared of getting stuck with it if I end up alone, scared of the engagement. 

I am scared of COMMITMENT. I don't want to be tied down anymore and I certainly don't want the biggest commitment of all: having kids. I don't want KIDS. I'm not even particularly fawned of them. Simplest example: when I go to a restaurant I ask the waitress to be a furthest away from kids. I don't hate them, I just dislike them before 7 years-old "ish". The issue of having kids has come up in my other relationships. My first husband after our separation had his daughter not even before the divorce was final and my second one... mixing genes with him would be a monumental MISTAKE. I'm not comparing I'm just chronologically analyzing my choice. I don't have the patience for kids. I'm 34 and my clock hasn't much time left. I don't want to massacre my figure. I want... it's me, myself and I. I want to have impact on a or many human beings but not as a parent.

Here's the crossroad. I finally MADE UP my mind. I'll be a womyn who isn't going to have kids. I'll be proud to say from now on: I'm not having kids.

My boyfriend does... what now!

Family Drama

I used to think that my family was closely knitted but my family is just small. The older everyone is getting, the more their flaws stick out. People that were reserved in their mid-age are just self-centered in the late adulthood. Kids that are now young adults don't realise how nasty they can be with a twist on their tongue. The family I'm relating to are the ones that live in the same province as me, which is why it's small. The few units that live far away, don't have to deal with these familial idioties.

My parents are divorce for more then 20 years. My father is so invested in his 20 years plus relationship with his girlfriend and her family, me and my sibling have no room in his life. Attempts were made again as late as last year but this time, we got to understand it as adults and not as teenagers longing for a fatherly presence in their lives. My relationship with him is one phone call once a month to indicate we're still alive. So there's definitely no drama on my paternal side. Evidently, my family drama is from my Mom's end.

It's been going on since my dawn over time. Seriously, my first implication I was 13 years-old. I still remember it today minus a couple of details. One thing I'm proud to say is I have never intently started any I was part of since 20 years. I speak my mind and I don't always know when to shut up. The first thing family drama thought me is: Be careful who you trust. In that process of learning, I got dragged in a few stories; having your words twisted; e-mails being printed to be seen by all; legal disputes; being disowned and then re-owned. You guys think that I'm original and unique, you should meet the women in my family, before me. My family has done things to me that friends haven't.

Now 34, I've learnt a few more things then just the trust issue: if you have to tell something to someone or it concerns someone tell them directly or arrange that they know it from you. That one has kept me out of harms way and the people from who the drama originated look like morons. My favorite lesson is: don't forgive but let go. I'm not vindictive, contrary to a contributor of my genetic pool, but I remember and letting go helps me from keeping any negative feelings. I wouldn't be surprise that this blog, if noticed by one of them, will get twisted around. Bring it! There's a beauty about getting older, I'm not afraid and I know life goes on. Younger, when something brewed about me I took it personally and I went on a mission to clarify my name but it's not worth it. I'm realizing more and more that my family doesn't know me at all. I'm open about my life but they just retain what they want. Isn't that the tragedy of all types of communication... anyways.

1-Careful who you trust. 2-Don't use intermediaries. 3-Don't forgive but let go. I'm sure one would think: Move away! The answer is: NO. It doesn't make it disappear, it tones it down. If moving away becomes an option, I'll be moving a few neighboring provinces away. In the meanwhile, I just try to keep away from it, stand clear and be very cautious. By being absent, it just works for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I have to admit I'm portraying them being devilish but who's family isn't in a way. If you're one who feels like telling me: My mom is my best friend! Well good for you and I don't give a shit, it's my family here and not about your badly fulfill Oedipus complex.... but then again, think about who's typing this :)

Thanks for reading and thanks for being just... there. Love.

Blacked out and initiated!

Here's one entry that was long overdue, I meant to write it for September 8th or its following week-end but here I am a week or so later.

I'm back at UQAM... oh my! What's different this year is I'm finally on the path to finish my bach in Sexology, which I started back in 2001. 10 years later, I have other diplomas and certificates under my belt but Sexology is "my baby". Ever since secondaire 1, I wanted to go in showbiz or Sexology. I did showbiz for 6 years, if you include my school year then 7 years. Now it's time to head on the other choice.

Being back full time meant I had to reapply because you have so many years to finish a degree (remember in 2001, I was in Sexo). I got accepted and treated like a new student so I got an invitation letter, like any other noob to the program, for "INITIATION". I kept it hanging on the wall deciding if I was going to do it or not. I didn't do it back in 2001 because I was in the program part-time and working for Cirque du Soleil. I didn't see the relevance of it back then. I asked around on Facebook if I should do it and some peeps told me: "Yeah, go for it! It's great fun." I still was undecided until 2 days before it.

I geared myself up because the theme was the 80's and I needed a yellow bracelet. The organizers encourage us to wear some fluorescent colors but, you guys know me, I have to be different so I went "glam rock".

(c) Stéphanie Cadieux

(c) Stéphanie Cadieux

They made us do all sort of activities, singing and saling condoms, hugs and kisses on the grounds around the university. I was the eldest getting initiated. (I'm not the eldest in the bachelor.)

Taken from my iPhone

We were divided in teams and we competed against each other for the prize of BEER (of course!). The organizers, which some were students from the second grade (my year), gave us the chance afterwards to get out of these costums and meet up again to have pizza and then, we headed to the Saint-Sulpice, on Saint-Denis Street. Their last floor was reserved for Sexology students.

(c) Stéphanie Cadieux

I got there at 6 pm and I had the good intent of going back home. By bus. Early. I looked at my watch every half hour of so but at 9:30 I stopped looking and messaged my boyfriend that: "The night was on!" Conversations were good and I got to grope a few people :) I remember the beer was cheap and flowing. Shoots were coming from everywhere. I think I took a puff of cigarette. I went a bit crazy (nothing bad finally). At the end of my night,  I remember a taxi, 25 $ and waking up on my friend Marissa's couch at 6 am.

After assessing the content of my wallet, the sms on my iPhone and the fact I was fully clothed - I blacked out before leaving the bar. I don't remember how I got out or what I did at Marissa's. I found a blurry pic of my cleavage on Facebook and I made a couple of virtual friends on there. I remember 85% of my night. I even remember talking with someone how having a drunkness black out is so "out of class" when you're in your 30's. Oh well! It's not like it happens every month. Last time that it was like this was at Holidays 2010. On initiation night, I got to discover what Liquid Cocaine shots were.

Conclusion: I had a blast at my initiation. I'm very glad that I took on the invitation and did it because I see the importance of it and its relevance much better now. Initiations are mainly to "connect" through mutual experiences. I've made some new friends and I have some deeper ties with others. I got the opportunity to see people interact where I wouldn't have had the chance. That complicity you developed with you classmates during initiation tend to last for a while. The organization did a great job!

My boobies (c) Emilie's iPhone

On a last note: you feel when you blacked out that the whole world knew how idiotic you were and, you also feel like you offended everyone that was around you. Well, I did! It took me until last Tuesday to be sure about myself by talking with others that were there that night.

True Blood Sloth

I enjoy sitting in front of my tele, curled up on my futon with some pillows and sometime my boyfriend is there as well. Last night being one of these moments, I celebrated with some tequila and a few beers because we started True Blood.

I love to look at a series's season in full. I hate to wait a week to see a next episode. True Blood season 4 is concluding on next Sunday... FINALLY! So we started looking last night at season 1. It's our third round. The plan is to view all 3 seasons by Sept 11 and then commence watching season 4.

I resisted looking at fansites and all acquaintances/friends haven't revealed any spoilers. Thank you guys for "respecting" me :)

We finally crashed after episode 4 last night...