If you're reading this and you pay close attention to my posts on Facebook, you have an idea how my day is today but just in case, I'll repeat myself: I have 3 theory-intense exams today. As I'm writing this blog, 2 of them are already done... yeah! But I have one left in 3 hours and I need to kill some time so why not blog a bit. At the same time, my smart phone is charging.
The best way I can describe my state of mind right now is: I am a zombie. I finding out the power of coffee and energy drinks today. I'm actually really happy that I picked up smoking again in the last week. The nicotine is keeping me going and bringing down my anxiety levels. The beers that I had for lunch time where soothing from my delicate nature when I came out from my first exam. I'm doing this whole day with only around 4 hours of sleep. I've been cramming studies all week-end. When I say cramming, let me give you an idea of my schedule since Saturday morning. All I've been doing is studying a few hours then taking a nap. Wake up and studying again and take a nap, again. Rince and repeat so I haven't had a full night of sleep for 3 days now.
I did start the day by taking a shower and dressing pretty so I would feel good about myself. That was at 7:30 am. At this time of the afternoon, around 3:30 pm, my energy levels are now low and I still have one exam to go at 6 pm. I should be studying and filling the last bit of space I have left in my brain but an other side of me just wants to take a spot in the library and take an hour nap. The latter is getting more interesting now that I wrote it down.
My head is numb. I don't feel the majority of my body. Never will I take again 3 classes on a same day. It is rough and I'm not looking foward for the end of the semester.
A zombie needs a brain to be functionnal but I can't help wonder if a zombie can eat their brains. Mine is so rich in knowledge and pack with stuff that I'm sure it's pretty tasty. So off I go to sleep at the library and instead of screaming: "Brainnnnsss!" I'll just be: "Zzzzzzzzzz."
Monday, February 18, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Admitting you need help...
Well, here I am... I was in denial and now, I'm admitting I need the help.
The last post entitled "Where's the motive" was kinda my bottom pit. As I'm now in this semester full time, I thought I could handle it but I can't. I have too many questions, too many doubts, too many "but" and too many "should-I-and-could-I". I'm glad I didn't take the first four weeks of my semester so seriously while retrospecting today. It permitted to be where I am... right now.
There's resources all around us and the majority of us don't think about applying to them and using them. I thought getting back in the full-time student mode would be easy but it ain't. I'm having a really hard time. Actually, I need to think about this semester as a period of adaptation. With the long break I took last year and the semester with only 1 class, I got a taste of working full time, kicking back and having some free and social time. I enjoyed having a regular schedule and established a couple of routines. For the last 4 weeks, I've been living a lot of anxiety, picked-up smoking again part-time. I say part-time because I smoke 1 day than I don't for 4 or smoke 2 and don't for 5. Also, I was drinking a lot but I slowed that down now for the last weeks.
I've been turning to my household and my friends for some support, advice and guidance. Nothing was doing the trick. Well it was but slowly. When I'm in crisis, I introspect, which awkwardly enough I did a bunch during my Self Growth class last semester. Then, I turned to my immediate networks: family, friends and acquaintances. I was moving forward but I wasn't getting to any enlightenment. I even opened up my book from my class of Psychology of Motivation from Concordia and that just confirm a lot of the arguments I had in head. It was time to go outside of my usual circles.
I met a guidance councilor today at UQAM. It helps. I'll be meeting her again in two weeks. I want to finish this degree but I just to have the patience for it anymore. Being told it's not too late in my degree to get help is a blessing.
The last post entitled "Where's the motive" was kinda my bottom pit. As I'm now in this semester full time, I thought I could handle it but I can't. I have too many questions, too many doubts, too many "but" and too many "should-I-and-could-I". I'm glad I didn't take the first four weeks of my semester so seriously while retrospecting today. It permitted to be where I am... right now.
There's resources all around us and the majority of us don't think about applying to them and using them. I thought getting back in the full-time student mode would be easy but it ain't. I'm having a really hard time. Actually, I need to think about this semester as a period of adaptation. With the long break I took last year and the semester with only 1 class, I got a taste of working full time, kicking back and having some free and social time. I enjoyed having a regular schedule and established a couple of routines. For the last 4 weeks, I've been living a lot of anxiety, picked-up smoking again part-time. I say part-time because I smoke 1 day than I don't for 4 or smoke 2 and don't for 5. Also, I was drinking a lot but I slowed that down now for the last weeks.
I've been turning to my household and my friends for some support, advice and guidance. Nothing was doing the trick. Well it was but slowly. When I'm in crisis, I introspect, which awkwardly enough I did a bunch during my Self Growth class last semester. Then, I turned to my immediate networks: family, friends and acquaintances. I was moving forward but I wasn't getting to any enlightenment. I even opened up my book from my class of Psychology of Motivation from Concordia and that just confirm a lot of the arguments I had in head. It was time to go outside of my usual circles.
I met a guidance councilor today at UQAM. It helps. I'll be meeting her again in two weeks. I want to finish this degree but I just to have the patience for it anymore. Being told it's not too late in my degree to get help is a blessing.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Muse to a French
A friend summonned me and I didn't hesitate to go see him right away. I don't understand the relationship I have with this person but I know I have so much affection for him. We were talking about how people can be nice to one and an other, and that we sometime feel like we don't deserve kindness. This person gives me a lot and I can say he litterally showered me with gifts last time he saw me. A part of me still asks: "But what did I do deserve this?" He also wrote a short with me in mind. Here it is, in its integral version.
" Après avoir voler et survoler le Monde et ses habitants tellement il trouvait tout cela magnifique... Il ne restait plus à cet Oiseau le moindre duvet, la moindre plume ! Usé jusqu'à la carne et pourtant il continuait à être au-dessus de tout autre être vivant. Sans jamais se poser, il continuait son vol, imperturbable condor, majestueux aigle royal, coloré canari ? Personne ne le sait.... Il continu simplement de voler, nu et déplumé. Les animaux lèvent la tête, le regardent et se demandent comment il se peut en être ainsi... Lui aussi nu qu'un ver de terre plus proche du ciel que quiconque".
Je l'ai vu passer cet oiseau et il m'a conté son récit...
Après bien des centaines de milliers d'heures de vols, Le vent a commencé à se lier d'amitié avec l'oiseau et réciproquement. En se croisant plus souvent qu'avec les autres créatures.. l'oiseau étant constamment dans les airs et de par son allure qui ne manquait pas d'attirer l'attention du vent, il commencèrent à jaser et à se confier l'un à l'autre.
Un beau jour l'oiseau dit au vent : "Vent, tu souffres que personnes ne te vois vraiment pour qui tu es mais seulement par ton action, ce que tu fais bouger, l'arbres et les feuilles que tu fais trembler et la neige que tu fais souffler, tu souffres d'être invisible au yeux de tout le monde. Je suis épuisé Vent, je suis fais pour vivre dans les airs. Je refuse de descendre, en bas c'est la jungle, je sais dealer avec les autres oiseaux et les choses volantes mais les bêtes d'en-bas elles sont pas cool et j'en peux plus... Voici mes plumes, Vent, elles sont à toi je te les donnes, maintenant tu as le choix de les bouger ses plumes, elles sont tiennes. Où que tu sois, toute personnes qui verra une de mes plumes saura que c'est toi qui est là. Tiens. et l'oiseau tomba.
Le Vent qui n'avait jamais rien eu d'offert fut tant ému de ce geste qu'il garda l'oiseau avec lui et le porta avec plaisir... et l'oiseau continue jusqu'à ce jour de faire route avec son ami le vent.
Je lui ai demandé en plaisantant : "mais qu'a tu fais de ton duvet ?! Le vent avait il froid aussi ?!"
L'oiseau m'a répondu : "Non. le vent n'avait pas froid mais le Soleil, oui. Moi, Tout étonné : " Le Soleil ???!!!"
"Oui, Le Soleil nous réchauffait mon ami le Vent et moi-même quand à force de nous voir sur tous les hémisphères possible, il s'est mis à nous parler et à nous raconter sa vie, qui il est. Mon ami le Vent et moi avons découvert que le Soleil si généreux de chaleur et de lumière souffrait de cet état. Car destiné à donner toute sa chaleur il avait froid... tout petit, seul était en réalité le soleil. Pour remercier mon ami le vent de sa bonté et le soleil de sa générosité, j'ai offert mon duvet pour que le soleil n'ait plus froid.... Depuis, le Soleil brille de joie et peut continuer à donner sa chaleur dans le confort". et l'oiseau continua sa route, j'espère le recroiser souvent dans ma vie.
Pendant que toute la création se demande comment il fait pour encore voler et en est surpris/choqué.. moi je sais qu'il continue à voler grâce à l'Amour. "
It's funny how we don't realise the impact we have on people. We always have a way to underestimate ourselves.
Can't wait to see you again my anonymous writer!
" Après avoir voler et survoler le Monde et ses habitants tellement il trouvait tout cela magnifique... Il ne restait plus à cet Oiseau le moindre duvet, la moindre plume ! Usé jusqu'à la carne et pourtant il continuait à être au-dessus de tout autre être vivant. Sans jamais se poser, il continuait son vol, imperturbable condor, majestueux aigle royal, coloré canari ? Personne ne le sait.... Il continu simplement de voler, nu et déplumé. Les animaux lèvent la tête, le regardent et se demandent comment il se peut en être ainsi... Lui aussi nu qu'un ver de terre plus proche du ciel que quiconque".
Je l'ai vu passer cet oiseau et il m'a conté son récit...
Après bien des centaines de milliers d'heures de vols, Le vent a commencé à se lier d'amitié avec l'oiseau et réciproquement. En se croisant plus souvent qu'avec les autres créatures.. l'oiseau étant constamment dans les airs et de par son allure qui ne manquait pas d'attirer l'attention du vent, il commencèrent à jaser et à se confier l'un à l'autre.
Un beau jour l'oiseau dit au vent : "Vent, tu souffres que personnes ne te vois vraiment pour qui tu es mais seulement par ton action, ce que tu fais bouger, l'arbres et les feuilles que tu fais trembler et la neige que tu fais souffler, tu souffres d'être invisible au yeux de tout le monde. Je suis épuisé Vent, je suis fais pour vivre dans les airs. Je refuse de descendre, en bas c'est la jungle, je sais dealer avec les autres oiseaux et les choses volantes mais les bêtes d'en-bas elles sont pas cool et j'en peux plus... Voici mes plumes, Vent, elles sont à toi je te les donnes, maintenant tu as le choix de les bouger ses plumes, elles sont tiennes. Où que tu sois, toute personnes qui verra une de mes plumes saura que c'est toi qui est là. Tiens. et l'oiseau tomba.
Le Vent qui n'avait jamais rien eu d'offert fut tant ému de ce geste qu'il garda l'oiseau avec lui et le porta avec plaisir... et l'oiseau continue jusqu'à ce jour de faire route avec son ami le vent.
Je lui ai demandé en plaisantant : "mais qu'a tu fais de ton duvet ?! Le vent avait il froid aussi ?!"
L'oiseau m'a répondu : "Non. le vent n'avait pas froid mais le Soleil, oui. Moi, Tout étonné : " Le Soleil ???!!!"
"Oui, Le Soleil nous réchauffait mon ami le Vent et moi-même quand à force de nous voir sur tous les hémisphères possible, il s'est mis à nous parler et à nous raconter sa vie, qui il est. Mon ami le Vent et moi avons découvert que le Soleil si généreux de chaleur et de lumière souffrait de cet état. Car destiné à donner toute sa chaleur il avait froid... tout petit, seul était en réalité le soleil. Pour remercier mon ami le vent de sa bonté et le soleil de sa générosité, j'ai offert mon duvet pour que le soleil n'ait plus froid.... Depuis, le Soleil brille de joie et peut continuer à donner sa chaleur dans le confort". et l'oiseau continua sa route, j'espère le recroiser souvent dans ma vie.
Pendant que toute la création se demande comment il fait pour encore voler et en est surpris/choqué.. moi je sais qu'il continue à voler grâce à l'Amour. "
It's funny how we don't realise the impact we have on people. We always have a way to underestimate ourselves.
Can't wait to see you again my anonymous writer!
Monday, January 21, 2013
Where's the motive...
Instead of hitting my fav bistro at the university for a beer, that I can't afford, here I am blogging.
I don't have any motivation to stay here today. I'm trying to think of anything... All my usual motives that keep me here, at UQAM, since 2008. None of them are working.
I'm thinking it's maybe because my Mondays are so much intense of theory. I have 3 classes like most of you know which means :
- 9:30 to 12:30 = Psychopathology. It's the study pathological studies of psychological health issues. It's really technical and quite medical.
- 14:00 to 17:00 = Étude de programme. Basically, I'm studying sexological programs that are already out there so I can have a better understanding of how to build one. The first half of the class of theory and the second are interactions. The teacher is frightening unhealthy looking... poor woman.
- 18:00 to 21:00 = Teenager to Young adult development. That's my killer. This was suppose to be a class taken in my first year which I never did. The teacher wants me to kill myself so I skip class halfway through. A lot of the stuff from this class I already know from my psych classes from Concordia.
Can you understand my lack of motivation to keep staying here? In some way? I try to give myself some incentive to stay the longest possible here; like having a beer at the end of the day, but it doesn't seem to do the trick.
I really do feel like quitting, drop out and just work full time but good thing I'm stubborn. I guess... Maybe I feel like this because of my lack of alcohol... who knows. I don't. Maybe I feel like because the obligation to be here, the "mandatory" part of it turns me off. I tasted working full time the majority of last year and I liked the money income. Waitressing is fun and I like it... but I play those stories in my head of people who told me about how they didn't continue their studies, their degrees, and wished they could go back.
Maybe I just have a case of the Monday blues....
I don't have any motivation to stay here today. I'm trying to think of anything... All my usual motives that keep me here, at UQAM, since 2008. None of them are working.
I'm thinking it's maybe because my Mondays are so much intense of theory. I have 3 classes like most of you know which means :
- 9:30 to 12:30 = Psychopathology. It's the study pathological studies of psychological health issues. It's really technical and quite medical.
- 14:00 to 17:00 = Étude de programme. Basically, I'm studying sexological programs that are already out there so I can have a better understanding of how to build one. The first half of the class of theory and the second are interactions. The teacher is frightening unhealthy looking... poor woman.
- 18:00 to 21:00 = Teenager to Young adult development. That's my killer. This was suppose to be a class taken in my first year which I never did. The teacher wants me to kill myself so I skip class halfway through. A lot of the stuff from this class I already know from my psych classes from Concordia.
Can you understand my lack of motivation to keep staying here? In some way? I try to give myself some incentive to stay the longest possible here; like having a beer at the end of the day, but it doesn't seem to do the trick.
I really do feel like quitting, drop out and just work full time but good thing I'm stubborn. I guess... Maybe I feel like this because of my lack of alcohol... who knows. I don't. Maybe I feel like because the obligation to be here, the "mandatory" part of it turns me off. I tasted working full time the majority of last year and I liked the money income. Waitressing is fun and I like it... but I play those stories in my head of people who told me about how they didn't continue their studies, their degrees, and wished they could go back.
Maybe I just have a case of the Monday blues....
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