Thursday, September 29, 2011

Cell phone crossroads

My week so far sucks! My modo has for the last days is: "I don't feel like it!" for getting up in the morning; going to UQÀM; doing research, reading & homework; cleaning the house; even going to sleep... Fuck it! Breathing since I'm at it. I haven't been really productive, I'm just crying a lot lately. The thought of being DEPRESSIVE crossed my mind but I get happy. Then, the idea of my happiness being MANIA episodes crossed my mind but I'm NOT bipolar (I don't think so).

TODAY, I just can't stop CRYING. You know how you hear: "It's the details that count". Well some details, some small things, can have a major impact by triggering a thinking process that finally brings a conclusion, an EPIPHANY of some sort.

I have a cell phone, by contract which I'm proud expires in November 2012. Last night, I went to the cell phone store because I had the idea of getting a multiple line account. You know those cellular account which have to phones with individual numbers, which share airtime and dataload. To get a good deal, I need to go back on a 3 year contract and I didn't want that. I didn't want it because I was SCARED. Scared of getting stuck with it if I end up alone, scared of the engagement. 

I am scared of COMMITMENT. I don't want to be tied down anymore and I certainly don't want the biggest commitment of all: having kids. I don't want KIDS. I'm not even particularly fawned of them. Simplest example: when I go to a restaurant I ask the waitress to be a furthest away from kids. I don't hate them, I just dislike them before 7 years-old "ish". The issue of having kids has come up in my other relationships. My first husband after our separation had his daughter not even before the divorce was final and my second one... mixing genes with him would be a monumental MISTAKE. I'm not comparing I'm just chronologically analyzing my choice. I don't have the patience for kids. I'm 34 and my clock hasn't much time left. I don't want to massacre my figure. I want... it's me, myself and I. I want to have impact on a or many human beings but not as a parent.

Here's the crossroad. I finally MADE UP my mind. I'll be a womyn who isn't going to have kids. I'll be proud to say from now on: I'm not having kids.

My boyfriend does... what now!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Family Drama

I used to think that my family was closely knitted but my family is just small. The older everyone is getting, the more their flaws stick out. People that were reserved in their mid-age are just self-centered in the late adulthood. Kids that are now young adults don't realise how nasty they can be with a twist on their tongue. The family I'm relating to are the ones that live in the same province as me, which is why it's small. The few units that live far away, don't have to deal with these familial idioties.

My parents are divorce for more then 20 years. My father is so invested in his 20 years plus relationship with his girlfriend and her family, me and my sibling have no room in his life. Attempts were made again as late as last year but this time, we got to understand it as adults and not as teenagers longing for a fatherly presence in their lives. My relationship with him is one phone call once a month to indicate we're still alive. So there's definitely no drama on my paternal side. Evidently, my family drama is from my Mom's end.

It's been going on since my dawn over time. Seriously, my first implication I was 13 years-old. I still remember it today minus a couple of details. One thing I'm proud to say is I have never intently started any I was part of since 20 years. I speak my mind and I don't always know when to shut up. The first thing family drama thought me is: Be careful who you trust. In that process of learning, I got dragged in a few stories; having your words twisted; e-mails being printed to be seen by all; legal disputes; being disowned and then re-owned. You guys think that I'm original and unique, you should meet the women in my family, before me. My family has done things to me that friends haven't.

Now 34, I've learnt a few more things then just the trust issue: if you have to tell something to someone or it concerns someone tell them directly or arrange that they know it from you. That one has kept me out of harms way and the people from who the drama originated look like morons. My favorite lesson is: don't forgive but let go. I'm not vindictive, contrary to a contributor of my genetic pool, but I remember and letting go helps me from keeping any negative feelings. I wouldn't be surprise that this blog, if noticed by one of them, will get twisted around. Bring it! There's a beauty about getting older, I'm not afraid and I know life goes on. Younger, when something brewed about me I took it personally and I went on a mission to clarify my name but it's not worth it. I'm realizing more and more that my family doesn't know me at all. I'm open about my life but they just retain what they want. Isn't that the tragedy of all types of communication... anyways.

1-Careful who you trust. 2-Don't use intermediaries. 3-Don't forgive but let go. I'm sure one would think: Move away! The answer is: NO. It doesn't make it disappear, it tones it down. If moving away becomes an option, I'll be moving a few neighboring provinces away. In the meanwhile, I just try to keep away from it, stand clear and be very cautious. By being absent, it just works for me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family. I have to admit I'm portraying them being devilish but who's family isn't in a way. If you're one who feels like telling me: My mom is my best friend! Well good for you and I don't give a shit, it's my family here and not about your badly fulfill Oedipus complex.... but then again, think about who's typing this :)

Thanks for reading and thanks for being just... there. Love.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Blacked out and initiated!

Here's one entry that was long overdue, I meant to write it for September 8th or its following week-end but here I am a week or so later.

I'm back at UQAM... oh my! What's different this year is I'm finally on the path to finish my bach in Sexology, which I started back in 2001. 10 years later, I have other diplomas and certificates under my belt but Sexology is "my baby". Ever since secondaire 1, I wanted to go in showbiz or Sexology. I did showbiz for 6 years, if you include my school year then 7 years. Now it's time to head on the other choice.

Being back full time meant I had to reapply because you have so many years to finish a degree (remember in 2001, I was in Sexo). I got accepted and treated like a new student so I got an invitation letter, like any other noob to the program, for "INITIATION". I kept it hanging on the wall deciding if I was going to do it or not. I didn't do it back in 2001 because I was in the program part-time and working for Cirque du Soleil. I didn't see the relevance of it back then. I asked around on Facebook if I should do it and some peeps told me: "Yeah, go for it! It's great fun." I still was undecided until 2 days before it.

I geared myself up because the theme was the 80's and I needed a yellow bracelet. The organizers encourage us to wear some fluorescent colors but, you guys know me, I have to be different so I went "glam rock".
(c) Stéphanie Cadieux
(c) Stéphanie Cadieux
They made us do all sort of activities, singing and saling condoms, hugs and kisses on the grounds around the university. I was the eldest getting initiated. (I'm not the eldest in the bachelor.)

Taken from my iPhone
We were divided in teams and we competed against each other for the prize of BEER (of course!). The organizers, which some were students from the second grade (my year), gave us the chance afterwards to get out of these costums and meet up again to have pizza and then, we headed to the Saint-Sulpice, on Saint-Denis Street. Their last floor was reserved for Sexology students.
(c) Stéphanie Cadieux
I got there at 6 pm and I had the good intent of going back home. By bus. Early. I looked at my watch every half hour of so but at 9:30 I stopped looking and messaged my boyfriend that: "The night was on!" Conversations were good and I got to grope a few people :) I remember the beer was cheap and flowing. Shoots were coming from everywhere. I think I took a puff of cigarette. I went a bit crazy (nothing bad finally). At the end of my night,  I remember a taxi, 25 $ and waking up on my friend Marissa's couch at 6 am.

After assessing the content of my wallet, the sms on my iPhone and the fact I was fully clothed - I blacked out before leaving the bar. I don't remember how I got out or what I did at Marissa's. I found a blurry pic of my cleavage on Facebook and I made a couple of virtual friends on there. I remember 85% of my night. I even remember talking with someone how having a drunkness black out is so "out of class" when you're in your 30's. Oh well! It's not like it happens every month. Last time that it was like this was at Holidays 2010. On initiation night, I got to discover what Liquid Cocaine shots were.

Conclusion: I had a blast at my initiation. I'm very glad that I took on the invitation and did it because I see the importance of it and its relevance much better now. Initiations are mainly to "connect" through mutual experiences. I've made some new friends and I have some deeper ties with others. I got the opportunity to see people interact where I wouldn't have had the chance. That complicity you developed with you classmates during initiation tend to last for a while. The organization did a great job!
My boobies (c) Emilie's iPhone

On a last note: you feel when you blacked out that the whole world knew how idiotic you were and, you also feel like you offended everyone that was around you. Well, I did! It took me until last Tuesday to be sure about myself by talking with others that were there that night.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

True Blood Sloth

I enjoy sitting in front of my tele, curled up on my futon with some pillows and sometime my boyfriend is there as well. Last night being one of these moments, I celebrated with some tequila and a few beers because we started True Blood.

I love to look at a series's season in full. I hate to wait a week to see a next episode. True Blood season 4 is concluding on next Sunday... FINALLY! So we started looking last night at season 1. It's our third round. The plan is to view all 3 seasons by Sept 11 and then commence watching season 4.

I resisted looking at fansites and all acquaintances/friends haven't revealed any spoilers. Thank you guys for "respecting" me :)

We finally crashed after episode 4 last night...

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

So an other year starts and the anxiety...

It's August! You're probably asking yourself: "What the f@c$ is she talking about?" It's a new year of schoooooool or in my case: university, and I can expect the contrary of everything I wrote in an entry at the end of last year's semester:

"No more running in the mornings to grab buses and metro. No more eating lunches or on the go. No more anxiety attacks and get in the middle of the night to start typing what was brewing in my head. No more refusing sex because I'm too tired. No more swearing at the walls out of frustration. No more running in hallways. I can have my week-ends back. I can concentrate on taking care of myself again. I can have my social life back. I can work a steady schedule for a job."

Good thing I've been fast-walking this summer, I'll be able to catch the bus more easily and run in the hallways. I'm going to blow the dust off my lunch bag but I'll keep a better eye on what I'm pouring into myself. Thus, I'll be leaving the beer alone. I'll miss my week-ends and my social life and hello hectic work schedules. One part that I am nervous about is everything that concerns my brain... my mind... my sanity.

I was discussing anxiety issues during a brunch last week with my immediate family. I've been mentioning it here and there throughout the summer but more seriously last Saturday. I really think I have some sort of anxiety disorder. When I'm left to myself in stressful periods, my mind starts racing at light speed. Especially when I lay down to sleep it gets worst. Ideas and images just keeping racing each side of my head. Processes just keep going and emotions are all over the place. I have no control unless I really concentrate. I have to focus and it takes so much energy that I get tired and it starts all over again. Let's say there's a big courant of water coming towards you and to keep you from drowning you're holding a wall against it so it can't attain you. You hold that wall so strongly that after a while your arms start shaking. Your arms get tired from all the resistance forced against it so water starts sipping through the sides and sooner or later you lose your grasp. My concentration on my flow of thoughts are like my arms holding that wall. I have a few tricks up my sleeves to get some sleep but my brain never stops working during stress periods. For example, I'll go to bed around 10 pm and fall asleep around 11:30, only to wake up at 4:30 ready to write, create and produce. In those awakening types,  I don't even need an adjusting period. In a couple of seconds, I get up from bed and go directly on my computer and start working.

One of my tricks is auto-hypnotising myself. I close my eyes and I mentally write the word "NOTHING" in caps, inside my eyelids. I usually fall asleep before I finished writing the word. In stress periods, its efficiency rate really goes to shits. Since I know the causes of my anxiety issues and the "how", the earlier discussions about this subject centre on solutions. I eat good and I exercise so I was thinking of taking yoga or to learn to meditate. I can't meditate. I've been interested in it for years, since my teenage years, but never really grasped it. I need a teacher. I have learned a lot by myself but with that subject I have no success. Other form of solution, I could consult a psychiatrist or psychologist and get little pills prescribed to me. Last not least, I could just buy marijuana! ( I rather smoke up then use pharmaceutical products.)

For the few that are thinking about it, fucking my brains out doesn't cut it either. I'll be having raging flames out my vajayjay by all the friction before I get to a normal relax state. After all these words, my question is:

What other ways can I use during the semester?

Monday, June 6, 2011

Search for great grand-pa...

My mother's mother asked me to look for her father, my great grand-father. I'm just writing here some details so I don't forget.

His name: Thomas McDonald, born May 19 approx 1915/16, in Saskatchewan. His mother was Catherine Bean and he was married to Violet Proudlove, who was born on Dec 11, 1914.

His tag no. was D15501-10. He was part of the 10th Field Ambulance of the 22nd Regiment, during WW2.

He died on October 12, 1945 in Montreal. He succumbed to thrombosis.

Saturday, May 14, 2011

When it's time to go : A cat tale

I haven't blog for a while but I just can't get this urge to write about this next subject out of my mind. Still having a car (for now), my neighbor asks me bi-weekly for transport to do his errands, like a taxi driver. His errand for this morning was just too touchy and overwhelming.

My neighbor Marcel's cat has been sick for the last 2 weeks. He tried a bit of everything to get Menou back on his paws. As the days went by, I saw Menou getting thinner and thinner. Then, his hips went so he couldn't balance and walk properly anymore and this morning, his cat couldn't stand when I arrived with my pet cage.

Menou was still breathing and its gaze was so far away, it wasn't there anymore even if it was barely breathing. Marcel and I put it gently in the cage and went to the Veterinarian clinic for 9:00 am. My neighbor just wanted to pay and go, he didn't want to see anything... not even Menou being taken out of the cage, so he waited at my car. Menou meowed while he was paying the bill. I went in the exam room with the Vet assistant so she could get Menou out of the cage and weigh it. As we are taking it out of the cage because it was so skinny and frail, I notice it's not breathing. The assistant went to get the Vet for confirmation and he did confirm its heart wasn't beating anymore.

Menou died once it was at the Vet.

I just couldn't help myself and I started crying. The euthanasia fees were reimbursed for they didn't have to do it but incineration fees were kept. When I came out of the clinic, Marcel looked at me, as I'm in tears, and wondered why I had the money in hand. I explained what happened and he sighed of relief... He was relieved that he did the good thing and it was, really, Menou's time to go.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Dear Diary;

No classes today, student body at the University is on strike. I purposely woke up at 7 am instead of 4:30-5 am. Wow! I slept in. Going with the definition of "sleeping in", that's what it was. For the last few weeks, we (Justin and Me) are still getting used to this new schedule because Justin started FSL (French Second Language), in Greenfield Park.

Soooooooo, sitting in front of my computer now. Finished some breakfast, typing slowly through this blog, still sipping on my coffee and watching ANTM. Yeah! I like to look at that show : tease me.

I haven't been inspired to write this last month. I didn't get that *ding* in my head of : "That would be an idea to blog about!" I am basically blogging on this last day just to have something for March. I have no theme, no question and no insight... Fuck this...

Dear Diary;

March sucks and thank the Gods it's gone tomorrow. I've been so stress : my HEALTH isn't that good. Eczema is out, I have the crink-crank in my deltoïd area and eating late at night. Sleep pattern is all screwed up because of my life partner's new schedule. I seriously need new glasses. In psy200 at Concordia, we're finally in the Mental Disorders : I can identify to everyone of them during this period.

WORK has been awful this month. I have to admit I took a week off and it did me a lot of good physically, but my wallet is so sick right now. Yeah for student loans! My rent gets payed. How am I going to pay May's one? This is my last student loan payment for this semester. I'm going to be as busy in April... maybe more. I'm so stern in my main occupation ( I call it my main because it's usually the principal source of revenue) because I care for my health and others. That's my first concern! Just blows my mind how people are uneducated on matters. I'm not suffering from a OCD, I'm just conscientious. Plus others are always doing more for less - I found it frightening as it lowers the value of the business. I notice through the years : the cost of living goes up but the field prices haven't really raised. The only thing that rose is more people are wiling to do it for cheaper. I thought for a while it was because I was getting older, but that's not it. I concluded that I need to change my advertising and exposure, I need to INNOVATE. Most important of all, I need to find something else! I just don't see the usefulness of it anymore. Yeah! That's right : the usefulness. I would of never thought it would come down to that element.

UNIVERSITY is hanging on a thread in my mind. I'm not quitting, I just don't know where to go. This semester has all been about being divided in 2 : between 2 universities (Concordia and UQAM); and between 2 programs (among Linguistics, Psychology and Sexology). My grades for the mid-semester are great. Personally I don't consider them good at all. My average is C. Really a C 'cuz all my grades are either C-, C or C+ Yuck! I like my B's and I miss them. Justin said something a few weeks ago and he's right. My drive this semester isn't the same as the previous ones. I'm trying to pick it up a notch since then. I've been sacrificing my week-ends which gives me some breathing room during the week days. I've been reading so much this month that there's is a remarkable increase in my reading speed. I go through the pages faster, I retain more info and analysis are easier. One good thing came out of my bad grades! More than one, I pull my drive's strenght from it too.

Concordia is almost over : 2 weeks to go (April 11th). That freaking class' final is about its book I've been studying since last September and 40 pages/solo project. 3 out of my 4 UQAM classes have final projects : 2-men 15 page-paper with oral presentation, 1-man 15 page-case study and a 3-men 50-page project. I feel overwhelmed and it suffocates me sometimes. I get neurotic at times! Bad luck for getting end tale class choices which will be the case again if I choose to pursue Sexology. I got my replies back from UQAM. I've been accepted in both programs I applied to. Admission-wise I'm considered a new student so my class choices can't be done before May 24th. Imagine! (I just want an easier schedule) Commuting like I am right now is killing me in so many aspects.

My RELATIONSHIP is stable. I haven't been analytical about it that much. I see Justin as a great source of support. He's a great partner in my life right now on all aspects : emotionally, physically and financially. He's ready to challenge if really needed. I have to mention "really needed" because most times, he goes with the saying : "Hell has no fury like a woman scorned". (Remember I wrote earlier : I get neurotic sometimes) I would say the only "ick" would be that I don't want him to forget himself in this relationship. I'm a firm believer that there's you, there's me and there's the relationship. Symbiotic micro-systems aren't my thing. Another thing I keep noticing about this partnership, I would always talk about sex. I would often rant about my sex life. I don't do that anymore. Makes me think about the French saying : "Grand parleur, petit faiseur" (Big talker, little doer) I'll just leave it at that [dot][dot][dot]

ANTM is done. I've switched to BSG 2005 during blog composition. If you read this whole blog,  you drank from my poured heart. It's one way for me to take a drink with a friend, I guess. To all my good friends that I'm not keeping a "live" interaction with: know that I care for you (miss you) and this "Dear Diary" blog is a way of telling you how I'm doing. Onward to April! Less than a month before semester's end!

Saturday, February 26, 2011

To NERD week - what?!?

No classes for next week! I still have a lot of reading to catch up, two team projects to pursue and some studying for my other 2 mid terms exam in two weeks; hence the nomination of this upcoming week : Reading Week. (In French : semaine de lecture) I have to admit the terminology "Spring break" sounds so much better, positive and of-the-party-nature. For the latter, Google the words "spring break" for images and you'll get a shitload of BOOBS!!! It mostly all Americans too.

The fun I'll be having this week will be continuing my latest faux-stain glass project, reorganizing my closets (big project) and other little nick-nacks. I'm just going to be REALLY HAPPY at not going out each day of the week and commute for classes.

"Spring break--also known as March break, Study Week or Reading Week in some parts of Canada--is a recess in early spring at universities and schools in the Brazil, Canada, mainland China, Korea, Japan, Taiwan, Mexico, South Africa, the United States, the United Kingdom and other countries." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spring_break

I like how there's a specific of how it's called "Reading Week in some parts of Canada--", it makes us sound like NERDS. Wiki ain't the top reference material but it sure is practical! It was the more accurate because the one below, from Princeton, is pretty mild. Both definitions do have the word RECESS in them.

Noun
S: (n) spring break (a week or more of recess during the spring term at school)
http://wordnetweb.princeton.edu/sprinkbreak 

On a short note : to all my fellow classmates, to all my friends who are teacher and to all who are parents - ENJOY this upcoming week! 

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Ideal sexual relations?

I was taking a shower this morning and this train of thought just kept going on in my head. I'm not writing this on my facebook page because it's just too darn long for the status box, and I don't want to put it in a FB notes because I want it on my blog... right here!

In sexology, psychology and medicine, a lot of researchers: describe and develop the modal sexual response model over the decades; can label and identify sexual disorders; re-categorize and redefine all type of sexuality items (by items: physiological, psychological, sociological, etc.); and, determine proper course of actions to treat them.

What is the ideal sexual relation? Where not one dysfunction is present? I guess the logical answer would be where all phase of the sexual response model associated are experienced properly. There it is: "(...) experienced properly." Human beings are as individual as they get and sexuality is proper to the individual. Logically, sexuality becomes individualize. As I heard the term, it can be said that I had a rich sex life. I've met so many (many) people where, if they didn't receive any complaints or never been compared, they think they're perfectly healthy and normal.

I keep thinking about this like: If a tree falls in the forest but no one is around to hear it; will it still make noise? A guy or a girl is an early cumer (this is more for guys) and it's never been an issue for him. It's never been an issue in his relationships or in singlehood. Would he consider it a dysfunction? A girl that needs to stimulate her clit while coital or finger penetration to cum and never had any complaints about it: would she feel inadequate? Two women in a relationship for 10 years and don't experience with penetration during the sexual relationship; who would know if any of the two suffer from vaginism. They just don't like penetration. A guy in his twenties who doesn't like to have sex once a week and prefers it once every 2 months. Is that an issue if he's single? If he's in a relationship with someone who feels and thinks the same way. I can easily pull 20 and more examples just on the top of my head, without getting in any paraphilias.

Do you get where I'm going with this?

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Violent Winds

I slept so bad last night! Waking up this morning wasn't difficult for as I'm not grumpy, it's just I'm missing sleep. My bedroom walls are thick but I can easily hear everything going on down in the street.

The winds were so violent during the night that Town Hall flagpoles' hardware were chimes;
All chairs and others big items I'm neighboring stretch balcony were dancing randomly;
And, the isolating plastic in my window just kept boasting itself against my closed blind.

For the last two days, the rain has been washing away the snow.
Grass blades were stretching out and the streets were clean.
But when I woke up this morning, I found out why the wind was so reckless:
Winter was fighting with Spring.

Winter told it it wasn't its time yet and blew snow all over the ground.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Facebook - to befriend or not!

I'm aware that this has all been blog before about everywhere on the Interwebs. Just adding my two cents.

The more I dive in the virtual networking of Facebook, it makes me feel like I come from a very different social time. I don't have 300 or more friends. I have 90 something and it will come down in the next week or so. I'll be cleaning up my "friends" list, meaning: who am I still interacting with, which contact is still useful to keep, who am I seeing lately in the physical world, and so forth.

Then, there's the people you refuse or ignore. I have two good examples. My boyfriend's sisters want to "friend" me on my Facebook but that's all they are for now: my boyfriend's sisters. I don't know them personally, it doesn't mean I don't want that to change with time. I don't want to get to know them over the Net. Secondly, classmates from this semester are sending - Friend Request - on my FB page which I ignore or refuse simply again: "I don't know you". Consequently in both cases, it's taken personally and I get snobbed or looked upon. Seriously, it baffles me how people react to it. That's just one more reason not to befriend you in any way.

It all depends how you use Facebook. I have some personal stuff on there, some racy pictures and all good stuff that I like to share with people I know; or as I heard someone else says: "People I would invite over for dinner!"

Anyways, I've been writing this and popping back in FB to clean up the list. Mostly ppl I unfriended in Facebook have so many peeps on their own pages, they'll never notice that I'm gone from theirs.

(I'm at a spanking 80 friends. I'll gloat on how many few I have :) Still processing...)

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Sleeping to remember!

I studied tonight for a test that I have tomorrow evening. I'll be studying again tomorrow and I plan to take a nap before I commute to Montreal for the exam. Usually, this type of studying is "cramming" but I wonder with the planned sleep if it still counts as that.

I'm sure there must be other peeps like me out there. I study and than I like to, kind of, "sleep on it" because I remember it better after. If I base myself on the information-retrieval process towards the modal model of memory, my brain does its best work when I'm sleeping.

While "shit", I just reacquired tonight, will be reorganizing itself in my brain, I wonder what kind of dreams I'll have? I can't be alone that plans studying like this? I say studying but it actually revision... I was a good girl to go through all of it once before.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Day 3 without WOW

Here's a side of me that a lot of you do not know : I'm a gamer, a PC MMO gamer. I've traveled Everquest to EQ2, to finally migrate to World of Warcraft. I've been around them for about 10 years... maybe more. I'm the gamer that can play 18 hours in a row, that can be in a raid for 7 hours on end, that can sit at her chair and not move a whole week-end unless to pay the delivery guy or to go to the restroom. Frankly, if there would be a hole on my chair with a bad hanging underneith, it would be heaven.

THIS IS A SIDE OF ME I HATE.

I hate it because I have an addictive personality. If we would go in psychology and look at the 5-model factors of Personality, I'm very strong in the Sensation seeking factor. The games aren't addictive, it's me who has issues to stop. If I get on them, I just can't stop. Well, I can but they stay always on my mind. January 2010, I decided to get away from Wow and succeeded 'till December 7th, when Cataclysm (an expansion pack of the game) came out. It was a Christmas thing to myself and my boyfriend! We each got Cataclysm and 2 months of "play-time". The 2 months are up for me... not my boyfriend, he got himself an other month.

So - it's been 3 days without Wow. It's on my mind, not constantly. I feel a bit of withdrawal symptoms when I get in front of my pc's screen... I'm not talking about getting the shakes, but almost. I miss it, but I have to tap myself on the back : I gave myself an ending date and I did. It's so easy to pick up my credit card and subscribe again.

I'll concentrate on my semester and then, in May, I'll reopen my account. Muahahahahahaha!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

"Ovogénèse" for half-wits, like me

For this semester, I need to know the whole process for ovogénèse. Yes, it's in French and a lot more terminology below in this text will be for I am learning about this in that nomenclature. So I figured instead of just writing on the computer the story of what it is, I'll blog about it so I can come back to it later on and leave it out there on the Net if someone else ever finds it to help them as well.

Once upon a time.... there was a reproductive system in the human female body. In this reproductive system, there was magic which all starts in the ovaries. Within the ovaries, ovules are formed. There are two zones within the ovaries, the zone corticale which contains the organites ovariens (follicules and what derives from them to form the ovules) and the zone médullaire, where we find the paquet vasculo-nerveux that gives nourishment to the ovary.

A 7-month old female embryo is estimated to have 7 million primordial follicules that form ovules in their ovaries. At birth, these contain only 1 million and by puberty 400,000 remain. The number just keeps going down until menopause. In the life of a woman, it is said calculate that only 300 to 400 follicules attain to a full ovulation cycle.

In the ovary, the primordial cells that will form ovules are called : ovogonies. When one gets to a mature state, it's called ovocyte 1. Ovocyte 1 blocked in Prophase 1 has a nucleus and a membrane. The ovocyte 1 becomes surrounded by des cellules folliculeuses aplaties within the stroms cortical, among the capillaires sanguins. All these flatten out cells around the ovocyte 1 multiply in number, while still surrounding the ovocyte 1. Consequently, they become cubic shaped, cellule folliculeuse cubique, these form the Slavjanski membrane. From that point the whole ovocyte 1 follicule enters in secondary phase. The cellules folliculeuses cubiques multiply in layers around the ovocyte 1 and this thickness of layers, underneith the Slajvanski membrane, are called the granulosa. While the granulosa cells around the ovocyte secrete a gel, this layer of gel around it becomes the zone Pellucide. Starting from the middle going inside-out, you have the ovocyte, the Pellucide zone, the granulosa, the Slajvanski membrane, and last there is la thèque interne. In la thèque interne, there are capillaires sanguins and cellules épithéloïdes.

The next stage is called jeune follicule cavitaire. Everything get bigger, especially because the cells of the granulosa keep secreting the gel like matter. Little type-like puddles are form within the granulosa which are called corps de Call et Exner. When a whole punch of them gather together, it forms the ANTRUM. The follicule keeps getting bigger, more epithéloïde cells attached themselves to capillaires sanguins. Around the thèque interne there is now a thèque externe. The thèque externe contains myofibroblastes, which are hybrid cells that the thèque interne doesn't have. Connexed inside the antrum, the ovocyte with the pellucide zone and some layers of the granulosa demarked themselves to become the cumulus (or oophorus). The cells from the cumulus start secreting hyaluronique acid, which accumulates in the atrium and the whole follicule gets bigger, and become préovulatoire. The hyaluronique acid makes the cumulus detach itself from the granulosa and as it's floating withing the antrum, it become a corona radiata.When the follicule préovulatoire is at its biggest, an apex is form towards the epithélium ovarien.

By Day 14 of the menstrual cycle, the ovulation period is where LH and RSH peak. This peak in LH necroses related tissues of the apex and the follicule bursts. This sudden change of pressure withing the antrum make the myofibroblastes, of the thèque externe, contract which pushes the corona radiata outside of the ovary to become an ovule.

The ovocyte 1 becomes now an ovocyte 2 when expulsed. What's left behind in the zone corticale of the ovary becomes the corps jaune. The Slajvanski membrane deteriorates from the follicule, and this latter shrivels while the thèque layers mingle with the granulosa. Starting from the middle going inside-out of the corps jaune, you have coagulum central, organisation fibreuse, grandes cellules lutéales (which were the granulosa), petites cellules lutéales (which were the thèque interne cells) and the thèque. If the egg is fertilize, the corps jaune will hang out in the ovary's zone corticale to secrete the needed hormones for the fertilized egg until it can sustain itself in the endometer part of the uterus. If the ovule didn't meet it "prince charming" sperm, or when there's embryo, the corps jaune degenerates and becomes a corpus albican, or corps blanc.

That's it! I'm not putting any pictures because I need to know this stuff by heart. When I read it, I see the images in my mind. Basically, I'm purposely making my brain work harder. Now for men this week!!!

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Shhhhh! You're loud!

According to Answers.com : What is being tactful?
A : It is choosing your words and/or actions carefully so as not to offend or anger other people.

I was at a show last night, at the Sala Rosa in Montreal. I saw perform the Dukes of Drags. It was there fifth big annual show : Fan night formula. They're performing again to tonight. I can't compare the Dukes to anything else because they're the only type I know in THE genre, so for me that makes it THEIR genre. I find they're trully incredible, gutsy and hilarious. I will not make a review about them because I'm not a critic! Let's just say they're worth the wait!

We, Justin (boyfriend) and me, waited in the stair with some friends that were already there over an hour before the doors open to have good seats for the show. Sala Rosa is a decent cabaret for the size it is. Once in, we had tables at the front of the stage. Obviously, it was so we could throw panties at the show. Well, that was one of the reason but it is nice to have a firstplan view of the nudity too! The center of the room is tables and chair. On the sides, little rows of chairs are set up.
Our table was stage-right, right in front of the speakers, at the beginning of the little side chair rows and not to far away from the restrooms. A bunch of kids - I have to say kids even though they were obviously early 20's were hanging out, close to the restroom area, drinking and talking really loud with frequent outburst of laughter. A first reaction without looking is : "Wow, they're really in the show!", smiling. Then this laughing doesn't occur during appropriate moments when the show is unfolding or when the emcee is talking. So, you take a look to see that their backs are turned to the stage, they're blocking the view of the people in the first side rows' seats and a couple of friends are looking at them and looking at me while rolling their eyes. They were very loud! I tried to keep my attention on the show but my ear drag me back to those outbursts because it was out of context.

When one of them just started peeking on stage but literally stretching around to hide my boyfriend and breathe in my ear. I physically snap but I kept quiet, still. My boyfriend felt I became a ticking-timing bomb. One the "kids" was running in front of the down-stage area, getting in the front row people's feet and the photographer to take pictures with his crappy little dig-cam. THAT'S IT! I OPEN MY MOUTH!

"Would you mind being respectful and tone it down, we're trying to follow the show here."
One replied : "We're not trying to steal the show..." I cutted in : "Well, you are in a way. You guys are very loud and disruptive. You're hiding people's view a bit everywhere because you weren't there since the beginning. We payed the entry just like you AND probably just like you, a whole bunch of them (pointing to the performers on stage) are friends of ours just like they're yours. So please, be respectful!!!" I didn't yell but I was stern, with a finger sticking out. I have no idea how all that came out of my mouth. I wasn't drunk and stuff was brewing inside. I guess it just age and wisdom that comes with time.

Venues like these are a great place where one can express themselves, be free / open and have a good time. But when "your" fun and self-expression is crushing others', it's just plain disrespectful in my opinion. Before I opened my mouth I thought it was only me they bothered, but when I saw it was my table, the other behind and the first row of chairs on the side - I understood I wasn't being fussy.

YOU GUYS ROCK - KISSES TO JACKY AND LORENA ESPECIALLY

Monday, January 31, 2011

Being the comedy relief!

A while back... Approximately over a year ago, I participated in a documentary production. Last night, it was on Cable, on Canal Vie. The director of Bisexualité : Territoires secrets, Suzanne Guy, sent me an e-mail about a week before the showing. It got me so excited. Last e-mail she wrote to me, its last part just stayed stuck to me while the show was starting:

"... J'espère que tu seras contente de ta participation, moi je suis si heureuse que tu sois dans mon film Shanna.
On se reparle!
Suzanne"

I think I understand better that sentence now. When the production team was at my place in early 2010, it was mention that the documentary was becoming downbeat and taken a more somber road which wasn't Suzanne original idea initially. She told me back then : "I was like a ray of sunshine". I'm the documentary's COMEDY RELIEF.

Everybody talking about bisexuality in the film are very... I don't know how to explain it. Each time my face popped up on screen, I was bursting of energy and laughing/smiling with my super crooked smile. I was just being me. I'm glad that I participated on this project.

Me and Suzanne Guy, on set
One thing for sure - It's weird to see yourself on t.v.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

CLOSED to Sexology

This blog entry is more about getting rid of a few demons. I am up since 4 am this morning simply because I am anxious and stressed. That's a demon that often visits me: anxiety and stress about things that haven't happened yet.

I got accepted at UQAM in 2001, for a bach in Sexology. Yes, I did attend Concordia too but this is all about UQAM. For the last 10 years, I have a wonderful thing that's happening which is called: Life. Unfortunately, studying wasn't the main event. I started gradually going back to school since 2008. I took a couple of classes in Sexology because that's the field I was in. 2009 was rough and I couldn't go to University. For those reasons in 2009, I chose to take a certificate in English. I finished my certificate. 

This means for the last two years I wasn't in Sexology. You can't be submitted to two programs at once at l'UQAM, and also my 8 years were up (you only have a certain amount of years to get your diploma). The sexology classes taken this semester are with permission of my English department's Dean. Consequently, it is official for this semester: I HAVE NO OPEN FILE WITH THE SEXOLOGY DEPARTMENT ANYMORE.

I feel like crying, I feel lost and those two sentiments make me feel ridiculous. I've just been so used to the feeling of belonging to Sexology that it actually feels weird not having an active file with them anymore. My main worry is NOW I'm ready to study in it full-time and finish it but I have to go through the selection process AGAIN. This means I have to admit a new student application and that action signifies being put through an approval process. Basically, I'm worried of being REJECTED. Yup, there it is: my fear of rejection that's creeping up on me and keeping me awake at 4 am in the morning (though writing this blog is making me relax...) I did write above a "few" demons.

I am so keen at finishing a bach in Sexology and calling myself a sexologist but this step is totally dispersing my drive to succeed in my classes this semester. As I think about it, I can't fail these sex. classes because they count for the English Certificate which I'm maintaining a really good GPA. I'm really trying to stay positive but I just can't help myself feel beaten in some way. I'm trying to look at this as positively as I can and I'm really trying to figure what is my next move. I always like to have a plan B, a plan C and a plan D when plan A doesn't work out.

What I know for now is the above and that I have until March 1st to send in my application. Acceptance criteria for new students based on university credits are 100% but I'll try to pitch in my "life experience" card which can count for something. I have to gather some letters of certification and acknowledgment to make me look even better!!! My all so many classes of sex. that I took so far makes me a second year student. Technically, it wouldn't be abnormal to change direction after a year... (if rejected). I'll take the next week or two to think about all this and see what my other plans can be. Reorganize myself in a way, academically!

Being hopeful about this entry's purging ability... onward with my day!

Sunday, January 23, 2011

My little tour of the "Everything about Sex Show"

Last Friday after class, my boyfriend was in town with me and we went to Place Bonaventure to attend the Everything about Sex Show exhibit. 20 dollars per person: it cost a lovely 40$ to get in. Though you can get a 3-day pass for 30$. It's still not a huge exhibition but it's very descent compared to its beginning: more stands, more kiosques, and they still have they're big stage where we saw pole-robics. The performer owns her own school in Montreal, and she placed herself 8th in a National pole dancing competition. You should see the thighs and calves on this chick: "Wow". It was nice to look at but it was annoying listening to little couple in front of me. The guy kept mentioning about the pole dancer's cellulite... For god sake, you go on stage, poor bastard! Sidetracking...

I won't describe all the booths. First one I came in on, 2 for 1 pyrex glass dildos. They were so awesome, beautiful and shiny, of all sizes. 50$ is cheap it seems. The 3 girls behind the counter all had the same sale's pitch (Imagine this sentence said with a valley girl accent.): "They're so resistant, that I dropped it on the floor and it didn't break." Me and Justin we passed the booth 3 times, 3 different girls at that counter and they all said the same thing. We laughed.
Me and Dr. Laurie Betito


This lovely picture at the right is Dr. Laurie Betito from CJAD. She has a talk show radio, especially about relational topics and issues. A friend of mine got interviewed by her several months ago. It was very interesting to meet her. We got to exchange about sexology and psychology. She gave me some good references towards English Canda since sexology in Quebec seems mainly a French thing, or almost.

Kept going down the aisles, at the back of the exhibition hall was the "donjon". Oh yes! there was lots of stuff going on and people there were the most courteous. Ready to answer any questions. We passed there and stayed a while. Pictures weren't aloud, of course. I have to say throughout the whole show, all the folks there were the most authentic but that's just my opinion. A lot of stands were for sex toys of all kind and lots were for clothes too. I get a kick out of listening to people's reactions: "Ah check that out!", "Oh that's gross!" and "Can you believe this?". Those are the most recurring exclamations I heard that night.

One that stand out for me was Bonnie's Bedroom.com I went on the Web site. I was very, very happy. The have 2 lines of lingerie that go up to 5XL. My big hips and thighs (plus my "arse") are joyful.... my ego too! It's just nice to have something like this Canadian-based and not have to shop on E-bay international. I have to say that their prices are quite reasonable. A few items are overpriced but they weren't the most popular ones on their site. The staff at the kiosque were nice. They let me take a picture of their sign :)

As we went on, you could notice some stands weren't what they seemed. This one booth had little papers to fill out for contests and prizes; e.g. a Harley-Davidson, 500$ cash; but you didn't know what was the organization for this or the company behind it. It just felt like they were picking up people's info. The other stand in the "fishy" department was http://clitoraid.org/ I love what it represents but with some light research and reading more into it, it's not what it seemed. I found that "clitoraid" was a catchy name though.

There was Uncle D and so many other pornography material types booths. Some were hardcore and some were very artistic. It nice to see how the porn stars and models look in real life compared to photos and videos: "Wow, the miracles of make-up, lighting and Photoshop!" hehehe We finished our tour with "art". As you come in, on the far left of the hall, they arranged a sort of little art gallery. There was so many lovely pieces. This one artist in particular. Too bad the picture didn't come out better but if anybody knows this guy:  I want to encourage him.

There was pieces of all kind: oil canevases, ink on rag, photographs. I left drool puddles on their floor.

We spent all and about an hour and a half in there. It was educational, I met some interesting people and I saw beautiful things. 20$ for entrance is a bit steep for the time I spent there but you can stay for way longer than that. I didn't buy anything impressive. I've never read so many instruction, awareness and disclaimer messages on products. I did get out of there with an subscription for FA magazine (Femmes d'Aujourd'hui). Last and not least, me and my partner NOW both know that dropping a pyrex glass dildo on the floor won't break it.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

I love you "man"

I wanted to write about this for several days now. I went out last week with a high school friend of mine who is a guy. When we say our goodbyes, I gave him a big hug and said: "Ya know' I love you" He replied the same thing back at me. The process stocked to me for 2 reasons. First, I never told this to him before, and I don't want to be misleading because, second, I say I love you to really good friends. I say: "I love you" to my better half as well, but with a different tone, in different ways and I'll just leave it at that.

I have to say with all the flaws my mother has, one thing I do appreciate is: I was raised into showing my affection (or hate), whatever the level, physically and verbally to my close-ones. Over the years, it became like that as well towards my friends. Verbalizing with "I love you" and getting physical with pecks on the cheeks, or mouth, and really big hugs. I "so" like hugs.

I have girlfriends that I say often the tree-letter sentence, almost everything time we speak or chat. To guys, I don't say it that much: my brother, my dad, boyfriend and one of my ex (occasionally). Maybe that's why it stands out for me because there ain't that many men to who I say it in a casual fashion. Apart from being misleading, the thought of appropriateness comes to mind as well and some other questions. Do I misuse the words? Do I take them too lightly? Is it cultural for me, as in English: you like or you love. In French: "t'aime...", you love everything. Well even though, it is the verb "love" I understand it means "like" also. Does my head just automatically "aime" everything?

Well it's done - I'm not taking back my words. It is how I fell. I love my friends and I'll express it to my very good friends whenever. So here's a thought to myself: "DEAL WITH IT!"

Thursday, January 20, 2011

letter "t" with "tu"... oh my! Let me bitchslap you!!!

Let me get this off my chest : "I'm no grammarer myself!", especially in English. For this reason, and others, this blog exists to improve my English writing skills. In French, I ain't so bad but I bow down to anyone which I see is better than me and let them correct me. French is an ever-changing language, I don't trust it! I mean that in a sarcastic way with a pinch of humor, of course.

But it really gets to me when I read this like these: "Hé ben .. tu veut à matin !!!!!!!! Attend un petit peu là ..... à 3h heur tu pourra !" I see these types of mistakes a lot in French and not as much in English. I read that sentence and my eyes hiccup on each mistakes! I find that if you can even conjugate verbs with "TU" properly... I'll just slap you!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Teachers - tsk, tsk, tsk!

I am not one to criticize much about teachers, I wanted a catchy title. A few of my friends and family members are teachers from elementary all the way to university. I know them on a personal level but I wonder how they are as teachers.

We all have multiple façades: one for friends, one for family, one for work and so on. It's not about being a different person or personas, it's just being aware of your surroundings and adapting: i.e. You love to wear slacks but you'll be in a suit for a job interview. Which is why I try not to judge on first appearances with people from my workplace or university, I may perceive them negatively at the beginning but I try to see something good. Well there's my PSY200 teacher at Concordia to who I am trying very hard to do that. Last night, I drew a line in my head and I'm not trying anymore. The guy, as a teacher, is... I can't describe it. There's more than one person that teaches Psy200 so he can still remain somewhat anonymous. He's slow mannered in class, it is very hard to have a straight answer out of him, and e-mails from him always have a bunch of grammar mistakes and typos. He's slow mannered in assignment handouts too. He gives reading assignments, equivalent to a hundred pages, an hour and a half before the concerned class.

It drives me crazy and a quick survey among other students proves that I'm not the only one. It's a 6 credit class which means that I had it in the Fall semester and now again for Winter. The classes are structured that from 6 to 7:30 pm its theoretical and after that, coop activities. I tried to be a good sport with myself but I just can't bare it anymore. From now on, I'll arrive early stay the first part and just leave afterwards!!! The class has 96 registered students but we're never more that 30, physically in class. When evaluations happen, the whole student body in there. I've had teachers that are total "dicks" and there easy to deal with = indifference; but since this one isn't clear about things, we need to interact occasionally with him... in person... because by e-mail it won't be clear!!

I consider teachers to be "special". You need to be, it is demanding! But like any other field, not everyone is good at what they do.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Bagging on 5 cents?

I can qualified this entry as a "rant". I've worked early 2010 as a cashier for an IGA. I'll say it : IGA Extra Gladu, in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu. Back in the days, Management would get after me if I didn't punch the code for the exact amount of plastic bags given to a customer. It's understandable, it is now a buyable product. This supermarket, like many others, charges 5 cents per plastic / paper bag taken by their customers. Usually, supermarkets charge for the plastic bags. This type of initiative got some attention back in Spring 2009 in the media for Loblaws, Provigo and Maxi, here in Quebec. (I did try to find some articles related to Sobey's about the matter - but I got lazy!) Just to give an idea how far 5 cents a bag can go:
Charge: 5¢ plus 1¢ HST
In effect: As of June 1, 2009
Average plastic retail shopping bags generated per household per week in Toronto: 8.8
Loblaws plastic bag usage: 55% reduction in 2009 after 5¢ fee introduced.
Loblaws diversion rate: 1.3-billion plastic bags diverted from landfill in 2009.
Loblaws donation to environment: $3 million of proceeds from 1,000 stores given over three years to WWF Canada.
Amount spent policing stores: $2 million per year
It represents a lot of money. As you can notice, this represent Loblaws not IGA but it was to give a basic understanding.

Back in the days at my IGA, I would ask: "Where does the money go?" I got the reply: "In the boss' pockets!" with a giggle. Seriously, I still shop there today. I was only a cashier for 3 months so a lot of the staff don't even remember me, most see me as a familiar face. When I ask, again today: "Where does the 5-cents go?" I still can't get a clear answer.

The implementation of a charge for the use of plastic is foremost to reduce use of plastic bags by customers, for environmental reasons. It's an incentive for the store's clientele to bring their reusable bags. Per 1000$ of sales - there's a 55% reduction of plastic bag usage by this type of punitive method compared to a rewarding system which only gave a 4% reduction (Source: Loblaws). I started using my reusable bags way before 5-cent charges on plastic bags started. I hate accumulating plastic bags at home. I use them, like others for garbage purposes. I didn't mind at the beginning paying 5 cents here and there for a plastic bag but it bothers me more and more now. It's not just the supermarkets anymore that charge them, it's my local stores, Zellers and others. Zellers, in Saint-Jean-sur-Richelieu, couldn't give me a straight answer either to where my 5-cent goes.

"Why do I even care 'bout this?", I asked myself. I realized that a plastic bag isn't worth 5 cents, it costs around from 0.0022$ to 0.0024$ to make. Looking at the figures in my example above, I sure hope that businesses reinvest those 5-cents in some environmental/non-profit organizations and it truly does not go in the bosses'/owners' pockets. Evidently for not having clear answers to my initial question: "Where does the 5-cent go?" - I use my reusable bags for environmental reasons and for fashionable reasons BUT ALSO I'M NOT GIVING THEM 5 CENTS ANYMORE. Oh yes! I am using caps here because it does make me want to scream because I feel like I'm being taken for an idiot but I guess it's all part of that punitive system so that I keep using my reusable bags.

/sighing loudly while banging my head against a door frame

References:
- http://www.cyberpresse.ca/le-soleil/actualites/environnement/200904/21/01-848849-loblaws-provigo-et-maxi-exigent-5-cents-pour-les-sacs-a-usage-unique.php
- http://forums.redflagdeals.com/5-cents-per-plastic-bag-nets-loblaws-39-7-million-2009-time-boycott-loblaws-985899/
- http://www.torontosun.com/news/torontoandgta/2010/08/03/14913421.html
- http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20090404151826AAgM2Yv

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Holidays' end with "germs"!

As I wrote on my Facebook's page: "Spending time with people during the Holidays is the best! We share so much, even germs." Conclusively, I AM SICK! An aunt and a cousin were sick = my baby brother got sick, myself and now my boyfriend... oh joy! I'm sure others are too. A sure thing is I'm so happy to be sick as a non-smoker because before I would have been coughing my poor little lungs out. My throat would have been so irritated that my voice would have had a deeper tone. Drinking coffee is known to irritate even more a soar throat. I still drink coffee when I'm sick because of the effect of caffeine on the respiratory system but it doesn't hurt anymore.

Being sick at home, during my last week of vacation, gives you time to reflect. I should have been catching up on cleaning, organizing myself and planning for the next months but I'm still playing one of my Christmas present which is World of Warcraft. About the game, I am a good girl for I canceled my present subscription and my last playday for this turn is Feb 7th. I have to concentrate on my studies. Getting back on track, I got to think a lot about my family. My grand-parents are both in the late 70's and I get thinking that this past holiday could be the last with them. Aunts and uncles are always a pleasure to see, I had the privilege to see the ones from New-Brunswick (which that aunt was sick!!) and my aunt from Florida. I have another pair which live here in Quebec, that I see a bit more and always want to see more. My cousins were a surprise too - Jessica and her girlfriend were cute as a button; Sara and Derek - oh well that was a surprise. If any of my family members read this blog they would agree with that Sara totally flipped. I was expecting the unaffectioned, emotionally challenged teenager that I knew from 2008, but people can change a lot. My mom acted as the "kinkeeper" this year and consequently, she was all over the place: organizing, taking care of everybody and making sure my grand-parents were not doing too much.

Were there any negatives about this Holidays' season? Of course, it's family! I've searched all definitions for "family". They have all one common thing: it's a group of people. Every group of people doesn't get along perfectly all the time. They all have their drama, they all have their moments, they all have their cheers and they all have their laughs. What makes family different from other groups is the L.O.V.E. This love make the positive stand-out from those negatives. May our families be of biological or social makes-up, through that L.O.V.E. we are willing to forgive, to cherish and to restart it throughout the year and at the following Holidays.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Screw you New Year's resolution!

I'm always amaze on how a lot of people rely on a New Year for things to change in their lives: the fact that 2011 is going to be so different from 2010. I only see a number change. Maybe it's that sense of renewal, of new beginnings... a kind of reboot: "this year will be better than the last". Personally, you are starting the "new" year with your shit setted up the same way as just a few days ago. So if 2010 finishes bad, 2011 starts bad and vice-versa. All this to say that New year resolutions suck!

Definition of a new year's resolution according to Wikipedia: A New Year resolution is a commitment that an individual makes to a personal goal, project, or the reforming of a habit. This lifestyle change is generally interpreted as advantageous. A New Years Resolution is generally a goal someone sets out to accomplish in the coming year. Some examples include resolutions to donate to the poor more often, to become more assertive, or to become more environmentally responsible.

Definition of a new year's resolution according to the Urban dictionary: An assessment of, and often delusional attempt to correct, one's shortcomings. Typically made on a day that is arbitrary except that it begins a new year on the standard Gregorian Calendar. Given the arbitrary nature of the date and the sudden change of lifestyle demanded by most resolutions, it should not be surprising that most resolutions are abandoned by the start of the next year. Fortunately the next New Year gives a person the opportunity to make the same resolution again.

These aren't the best sources but it gives an overview of a new year's resolution definition. Resolutions should be made year long and not just in the Holidays. Plus, resolutions need to be realistic. I've heard so many resolutions from people this past Holidays that I wanted to point them out and say "Bullshit!" I'll respect resolutions brought from "assessments". Assessing what's going on with you, around you and planning goals for the time ahead.

I haven't made any resolutions for this year. I'm throwing them out the window. I didn't made any during Holidays 2009. I made some throughout 2010 and succeeded in quite a few. I'm actually entering 2011 with the same goals that I had in Sept and Oct. I'll probably end up having somewhat of a resolution or a couple by spring. My resolutions are always nearly made at the end of the winter period - beginning spring. I can't be the only one?